gift of sorts

Hey there. Though I don't necessarily want to do this, I'm going to fill you in on my tumor news. Two reasons why I'd rather not: I just came home from a very long day of school, so I wouldn't say I'm overjoyed about using my brain at the moment. Second, this is obviously an emotional subject for me. Still, I said I would use this blog to document my journey through this, so I will. Anyways, let me get started.
Yesterday morning, we finally met with doctors to discuss the results of my last MRI scan. Here's the verdict: the tumor has grown (about a millimeter). Not only that, but there's some greyness above the tumor (the doctor described it as some sort of tentacles, for lack of a better word), which tells us that the tumor is trying to extend out even more. This is a problem for two reasons: one, you can't do a physical brain surgery and remove a tumor like that. You can remove the tumor, but there's no way you can take out the "greyness" without doing some serious damage. (Brain surgery was preferred by my doctors a few months ago because it is better to take out a tumor altogether than mess with radiation and not be fully sure you've gotten the whole problem erased; obviously, radiation is the only option now). Second, tumors with that type of behavior - extending and having "tentacles," I guess you could say - are often the high-grade gliomas. These are cancerous brain tumors. Now, the doctors said they are assuming my tumor is a low-grade glioma, which is non-cancerous and curable, because my tumor hasn't enlarged super quickly over time; I also don't have any symptoms other than my double vision. If it was cancerous, they said the tumor would probably grow huge amounts very quickly, and I'd have a whole lot more symptoms. Unfortunately, they can't be sure. The only way they will know for sure is by doing a biopsy. This biopsy entails a doctor sticking a needle through my head and taking out pieces of my tumor to see what it really is. This apparently does not require a lot of recovery time - the doctor said it'd take a few hours and I'd be in the hospital 2-3 days - but there are always chances of something going wrong. There could be bleeding of the brain, swelling, and they could even hit a nerve while sticking the needle in. Now, these things scare me.
Because of the risks of a biopsy, we are going to meet with a radiologist (someone who is in charge of the radiation for the tumor) this Friday to find out if it is really imperative for there to be a biopsy before going ahead with the radiation. Hopefully the biopsy can be avoided, even though there are many reasons to go through with it.
Hmm, I think I've gotten all of it down. Right now, all we can do is pray. I pray that whether we do the biopsy or not, the tumor will be a low-grade glioma and that radiation will completely cure me. ...and this is where I get emotional! The doctors informed us that a high-grade glioma (cancerous) is not curable, and patients with that type of tumor live very short lives. The doctor was explaining the differences between high and low grade gliomas to us, and he said something that always gets me whenever I think of it: "Low-grade gliomas are curable, so you will be able to live a long life and even get to be a mother and grandmother." If there's one thing I want in the world, it's for me to become a mother. I'm only 17 years old and I know this wouldn't even happen for quite a while still, but I can't deny that becoming a mother is a certain goal I have for my future. That's why the doctor saying that to me really made me emotional. It makes me emotional because if I do have a high-grade glioma (God forbid, God forbid, God forbid), there's no future like that for me. There won't be much of a future at all.
If you are reading this, please pray for the best outcome to all of this. Pray that my tumor is not cancerous, that it will be cured with radiation, pray that I will live to old age with all my wishes met, and just pray to give my family and I strength at this time in our lives. It breaks my heart seeing my family suffer through this - we all truly need the strength.

-giftofsorts