gift of sorts

Oh my, so much has happened since my last post. I'll try to make this as to-the-point as I can.
I finished radiation therapy on May 8th and all was well. About a month later (very conveniently at the start of my last week of high school), I became very sick. I just woke up one morning to get ready for school and had to go back to bed because I was not feeling well. That day, whenever I ate anything, I threw up. I will always have a soft spot for saltines and ginger ale, two things that I could sort of stomach. I would try eating anything else and would within a few minutes rush to the bathroom and throw it up. I have never thrown up so many times in my life, and I remember just how weak and helpless I felt. Walking was weird because I didn't have the best balance, and my double vision was horrible: all of these things were happening at the same time. We scheduled an MRI scan at the children's hospital the next day. I remember sitting in the waiting room, resting my head on my mother's shoulder. My parents were both seated on opposite sides of me, and they were praying under their breath - I know they were extremely worried. This sounds dramatic, but I remember thinking that I might die soon. I had never felt so weak in my life. Just standing up took so much energy and even smiling was a hard task.
The MRI scan showed that there was swelling in my tumor, therefore making it bigger and giving me more symptoms (the throwing up, the dizziness, the horrible double vision, the weird sensation in my right arm and right leg, the extreme tiredness, the numbness on the left side of my face). These were things we had expected, though. My radiation therapy doctor had told my family that there would be swelling, as the radiation does that to a tumor. It was still unexpected - somehow I had thought that I would skip that part of recovery. As I mentioned earlier, these things were happening during my last week ever of public school! It was even more unexpected as I was focusing on finishing school, obviously. And a few days later would be my high school graduation. Just so many things were going on!
So, to help with my symptoms from the swelling, I was given medical steroids to take every day. Twice a day I had to take these steroids, and we even kicked up the dose a few days before my graduation day so that I would be able to attend. Thankfully, the steroids did what they were supposed to do. On my graduation day, I didn't feel perfect, but I managed to make it through with a very slightly numb left side of my face (my smile still looked normal, so that's good!). I also felt a bit disorientated the whole day (the dizziness wasn't completely gone). I remember walking the stage to get my diploma, feeling a bit dizzy, thinking to myself "concentrate, do not fall, do not fall." That was the scariest part. If someone had asked me years before, never ever ever ever would I have thought that I would be suffering from dizziness from a brain tumor on my graduation day. Here I go again with the "sounding dramatic," but I can't help it!
I haven't even gotten to the "Just Something I Want to Remember" (the title) part yet. So, back to the steroids. I was taking them for about two weeks and it was time to taper them (so that I can eventually stop taking them altogether). We tapered them over about two weeks, and about a week ago, I finally stopped taking them. I am not perfect condition as my double vision is still pretty bad and I do feel a bit dizzy at times (my doctor told us that despite these things, it is best to stop the steroids), but thank God, I do not feel anywhere as bad as I did before. Not physically, at least... (Here comes the "sounding dramatic.") You see, medical steroids are very complicated and do weird things to you. I'm not talking about the physical weird things (among of which is that you get a "moon face" - the steroids make you very hungry, and you gain a good amount of weight in your cheeks. Google it if you're interested! I'm still losing some of that face weight...sigh). The "weird things" I'm talking about is what the steroids do to you mentally. Not long after we started tapering the steroids, I started feeling depressed. I can't quite explain it, but usually enjoyable things like going to the mall or watching YouTube videos were not giving me any sort of happiness... I tried buying junk-food and watching movies (because I would usually love that), but I would think to myself "What is the point for this? What is the point of anything?" I had never felt that way before in my life and it was terrifying. Especially given the fact that I am only eighteen years old - I felt worthless because what kind of person at that age has those feelings? It gradually got to the point where I couldn't act the same around my family. It's hard to explain, but I forgot how to joke around with them - I forgot the usual way I communicated with them and I didn't know for sure why. I still don't know why, as I'm still not my "normal" self.. Can you feel so depressed that you forget who you are? Wow, that's deep... Anyways, my mother called the hospital and a nurse did tell us that tapering steroids can result in feelings of sadness, even a couple of weeks after having stopped the steroids. I am now in the first week after stopping steroids, and let me tell you, life has been hectic in my head. I honestly don't even know if it is the steroids anymore, but I keep praying to God that it is. I want to have something to blame on my sadness and change of personality. It just pains my heart to see old pictures of the "old me" and see the way I used to be, just more carefree. I'm praying every day that it is the steroids making me act differently, and that with patience, I will be back to my old self.
I wasn't really planning on going into all of that, but oh well. I still have not discussed the main point for this post yet. Let's get on to that.
Every day (especially every day of this month as it is the Muslim holy month of Ramadan), my father puts his hand on my head and reads the Quran. Yesterday I was feeling especially depressed and down - I don't know why. I knew, waking up in the morning, that if I wanted to continue functioning, I was going to have to cry at some point during the day. And I did. After my father finished reading the day's section of the Quran, I told him "I have a question." I have been listening to the Quran and an English translation on my phone lately so that I can understand Islam better. Ramadan is a very holy month, and in this month, God promises to accept one's prayers. Because I've been feeling so down lately, I knew from the start that Ramadan was going to be a busy month for me spiritually. I set a goal for myself to listen to the Quran every day and pray. pray, pray. Anyways, listening to the Quran, I learned a few new things here and there. I thought, from what I personally heard in the Quran, Allah gives people hardships in this world if they have sinned a lot. That made me angry and even more depressed. I'm not perfect but I don't sin very much. Especially not enough to be going through this. Why does Allah think I deserve all of this? Those are some of the thoughts I had going through my head. Anyways, as I said earlier, after my father read the Quran for me that day, I told him "I have a question. So I've been trying to read the Quran lately, and -" (this is where I burst into tears). There were a lot of tears, and that just goes to show how emotional I am lately about everything... I'm not usually a crier! My father consoled me and continued to answer my question. I'll try to translate as best as I can what he said: "Not necessarily. Let me tell you a story about Prophet Ayub (peace be upon him). He had a very bad skin condition. His body was covered with sores and his face and hands were covered with ulcers. He also suffered severe pain. Everyone around him except his wife left him - they ridiculed him and looked down on him. Still, he never complained. He knew that it was a hardship from God so there was nothing to complain about. Finally, even his wife left Ayub. In his helpless state, Ayub turned to God (not to complain, but to seek His mercy). Ayub called to God and said 'Indeed, adversity has touched me, and you are the Most Merciful of the merciful.' (This is a translation of 'Rabbi inni massani-yadh dhurru wa anta arhamur rahimeen.' This is the same prayer that my father taught me months ago, around when we first learned of my tumor. Learning this story of Ayub and the fact that I had been reciting the same prayer made the story even more emotional for me!) Ayub told God that adversity had merely touched him. Look at all that he was going through, yet he was ashamed to tell God that this hardship given to him had more than touched him. After Ayub came to God, He cured him of his skin disease. The moral of the story is that you must be patient and be grateful for whatever Allah gives you. Trials are put in the way of the strongest believers so that their faith is tested." I have never seen my father cry until these past few weeks, and I've only seen him cry when it comes to religion. Something about seeing your father cry - this man that as a child you thought had a heart of steel - that makes you emotional as well. He cried at the part of the story where Ayub told God that "adversity had merely touched him." This made me cry as well. I know it's not necessary to make note of the crying, but in a way, that's how I became closer to my father in that moment, and that's how the story of Ayub really touched me. Finally, I've gotten to the part where this is "just something I want to remember." I want to remember that day and that story, as that was the day I gained a little more hope (and became closer to my father).